Blog Entries

  Going to a party for old friends can be a bit intimidating especially when you haven’t seen these people for a while and have since gained a few pounds. You may feel a bit overwhelmed and self-conscious of your ‘new and how the hell did this happen so fast, fat ass appearance’. You likely will wear a precisely chosen new black outfit that compliments your better features and hides your extra stomach fat. Personally, I love wearing black, because it makes me feel skinny and pretty. Yet at these parties, you will likely run into the dreaded mean girls from high school, of whom you know are secretly rejoicing in your advanced fat ass appearance prancing around. It is a fact that middle school and high school girls are vicious, cruel and mean. They can kill even the most confidant of girls simply by a glance or hushed whisper. My favorite cruel misery was when the mean girls would stand or sit in a circle and giggle or laugh when you walked by them. You can only wonder why they were laughing and your insecurities flood in for most of the school day. More than half of your school years are spent in constant disbelief of their cruelty while overcoming depression that they knowingly showered upon you. The other part is spent trying to and in some reasonable way, regain your confidence of which they willfully stripped. Until you can determine the kind of person that you want to become and especially at such a young and innocent age, you must not let the mean girls win. You must not let them take away the miniscule touch of dignity that you have salvaged. It is not easy but you must use all of your willpower to stand up to the pretty bullies, and find your own way in order to come into your rightful and true self! It is hard to block out the drama that the mean girls bestow upon you but you must break through your insecurities, buckle up, pull your shoulders back, lift your head high and suck it up. Don’t let them win. Get back your control, but mostly, get back your joy. That is why, while attending one of these dreadful parties that you will under no circumstances ever partake in eating spinach dip or any food that will deposit globs of green particles unknowingly within your teeth spaces. There is nothing worse than rekindling old mean girl acquaintances and falsely thinking to yourself, “Omg, she is being so nice, perhaps I have misjudged her for all of these years?” Only later to glance in the bathroom mirror and realize that your teeth are covered in green shit and you are positive and have no doubts that you properly nailed her the first time. She obviously saw it and let you go around all night looking like that. Damn the mean girls. They like for you to suffer or embarrass yourself. They want to take your joy away, but don’t let them. Try to remember how good about yourself that you felt before entering 7th grade. How confidant and smart you were. Always be aware and no matter how old you get, the mean girls are still out there, so stay on your guard. And by that, I mean, stay away from food that will dirty up your teeth. But mostly, always, always, believe in yourself. And always, always, stay true to yourself. Yes, I admit that.

  In college, I worked at the Sonic fast food restaurant as a skater car hop waitress. That was a really hard job, not only skating but, skating while carrying a tray of food to the customers waiting in the car. My first week was horrible. On the second day, I was still not feeling skater confident but continued to master this hard job. I skated up to a large van with a super large tray of food with all the diligence that I could muster. Right before I got to the car, my feet tangled up and I fell underneath the van. The food spilled all over me, large drinks, hotdogs and all. Chili and slaw was in my hair and bra. I worked there for less than two weeks because I could see the writing on the wall. It was either quit or be fired. I could never get the hang of it. Whenever I go to the Sonic after all these years later, I always tip the skater car hops well for their trouble and mad skater skill set than I never had. Yes, I admit that.

  On a beautiful Saturday morning, gleefully I arrived at my son’s soccer game. I hopped out of my car and started walking to the soccer field. Weaving through the parked aisle of cars I saw up ahead a mammoth truck with a big mirror on the side door. Oh yes, I thought, I am going to stop and check my makeup and hair and finally get that food particle out of my teeth that had been bothering me on the ride to the soccer field. Smiling big into the mirror, I brushed through my hair with my fingers and reached into my mouth. Minding my own business while grooming myself, I noticed movement inside the truck. How awkward! The truck was filled with an entire family. Yes, they saw me picking my teeth, check my nose and spit on my fingers to wipe the mascara off from underneath my eyes. The father rolled his window down and asked could he be of any further service. They had witnessed my grooming hour and were hysterically laughing. Yes, I admit that.

Once I took my young son, niece and nephew bike riding to the park. On the way, I stopped to put air in both of my bike tires. While we were playing at the park and sliding down the slides all of a sudden there were two ferocious loud roaring sounds. With terror on everyone’s face, the kids and parents started running around screaming and hiding. It was absolutely terrifying. A Day Care worker who had taken a group of day care kids to the park on this day, yelled out for everyone to hit the dirt and cover their heads. She thought we were in the mist of a drive-by shooting. I grabbed all my kids up as we hid behind the slide. I looked up the hill to where the sound of the shots had been fired and saw that my bike had fallen over. Oh no, was that what had happened? OMG, my bike tires had exploded and that was the cause of the gunfire sound. Apparently, I had added too much air in the tires. Once I figured it out, I calmed everyone down and explained that it was not a shooting but my bike tires had exploded. The day care workers were really mad and with all the mean stares and pointing fingers, we quickly left the park. I walked home while struggling to push my bike.Yes, I admit that.

I was invited to serve punch at my co-worker and friend Joy’s out of town wedding. I’d gotten off to an extremely late start and dressed in a frenzy. On the way, I was pulled over by the police for speeding. I guess driving fast while putting on make-up is a big no-no and frowned upon. He told me to focus on driving while writing out a warning ticket for recklessness and speeding. Now you must know that this was before cell phones and GPS gadgets, so I could only be directed by the address on the invitation. After driving for an hour, I found the street and turned down the road. I saw a church with a white limousine parked in front. The white limousine was decorated in marriage fashion, therefore, I figured this must be the place. I quickly parked, grabbed my purse and ran inside. I sat down, gestured and smiled to the people sitting next to me and took a deep breath of relief. What is happening, I soon discovered that the wedding was practically over! I did not realize that I was so late. While scanning the overly packed church, I did not recognize anyone or any co-working friends. Just then, the bride and groom turned  around and started walking down the aisle. For shits sake, I was at the wrong wedding! Who were these people? They were not my friends, nor the bride and groom. Without thinking, I suddenly got up and ran out in front of them. I am sure I ruined their wedding video. I would like to take this moment to apologize to the lovely couple as I am very sorry, but really, who could explain two weddings on the same street with white limousines parked out front and at similar times! Nonetheless, I remember hearing angry murmurs from the guest as I ran out of the church and to my car. I hastily drove further down the street and saw another church with a wedding theme decorated white limousine parked in front. Hopefully, I had finally arrived at the correct address and service. Oh what a sight for flustered eyes while gazing upon the beautiful and familiar bridal couple! They looked so very happy. After the wedding, and while serving the reception punch with my co-worker and friend Terri, I distantly heard her yell, “Hey everyone, look at Nan’s shoes. She has on two different pair!” What? Girl you didn’t just call me out on my shoes. As her words echoed inside my head I dared to looked down. But yep, there it was, I had on two different pair of shoes. Not just two different pair of shoes but one was a very high and pointed black toed spiked heel shoe and other was a lower and square toe and heeled shoe. Can you believe that? The dreaded feeling was like that nightmare that you can’t wake up from, but this wasn’t a dream. It was happening right here and in current time. OMG this was full blown reality! Everyone at the reception was pointing and laughing at my shoes and red face. That was the first time that I wanted to punch someone in the throat and Terri was lucky that I restrained myself. I can only say that my nerves were shot. I graciously continued to serve punch but hated every second of it especially with all the snickering, teasing and staring at my expense.  I truly wanted to say, “Yeah, yeah I have on the wrong damn shoes,” but  instead I smiled and served, and reluctantly smiled and giggled and served some more. This job would have been so much easier if only the punch were spiked. Thankfully, after serving the punch, I could finally leave this beautiful wedding and clusterfuck of an evening. This wedding had turned into an atrocious and uneventful nightmare. Afterwards, everyone wanted to go out for drinks but I only wanted this night to end. Once I got to my car, my nerves were starting to settle down and I couldn’t wait to get home, go to bed and be done with this wedding and night. However, that is when I realized I had locked my keys inside the car. Are you freaking kidding me? No, I could not take any more excitement and wondered if this agonizing night was ever going to end? But yes, I admit that.

 My boyfriend and I attended his sisters out of town beach wedding. After the wedding and reception, I snatched a bottle of champagne to drink while hanging out by the pool for the remainder of the day. In the meantime, my boyfriend had taken back his tuxedo to the store, so after changing out of my dress and into my bathing suit, I proceeded to the pool and drank the entire bottle of champagne all by myself. There were no other pool guests so I enjoyed the champagne a la carte happily thinking about the beautiful wedding and great time we had. I remember untying my whole-piece bathing suit straps in order to get shoulder sun but do not recall much else. The next thing I heard was my boyfriend yelling, “Woman, wake up and look at yourself!” I arose out of a deep snooze, yet my boyfriend would call it a full on pass out. In any case, there I had been for hours taking a passed-out nap in the lounge chair while still holding my empty bottle of champagne. As I became more familiar with my surroundings, I realized that I was right smack in the center of a college kids pool party. I looked down and there I was in all my glory, with my bathing suit down below my waist! Thank God it was before cell phones with embarrassing photos being plastered all over social media! Yes, I admit that.

  Let’s start with, bars none, the absolute most horrifying and embarrassing moment of my entire life. This, ‘wish-I-could-die moment’, occurred within two weeks after I got married. Yes, a new bride who gave her new husband a great big eye opening exposure to her not such a perfect new bride after all. The ordinary night began as any other except on this night, I drank a super large glass of cold milk before laying down for bed time. Sometime during the night, I awoke to a wet bed. My husband and I were sleeping with our backs to each other yet our butts were touching. I slowly moved my hand down behind me and felt that his underwear was soaking wet. Immediately I thought, OMG, my new husband just peed all over me. My husband also woke up and we turned our bodies towards each other with our heads facing each other on our pillows. Silently, with our eyes locked into each other and our faces only a breath away, he sheepishly and softly whispered, “Umm, is this something that you do often?” OMG, that was the precise moment that I realized that I was the one that peed the bed. I had just peed all over my new husband! While laying there soaked and wet, and seeing my husbands face in the shadow of the moonlight, I honestly thought that I could have died of shame. We both got out of bed, silently changed our underwear and put clean and dry sheets on the bed. We have never discussed or spoken of this night ever again, and for that, I am more than grateful. I also have never drunk milk before bedtime. Furthermore, and in case you are wondering, I have never peed on my husband during the night again. Yes, I admit that.